THE EXPANSE
Having departed from my childhood faith - a keystone upon which so much of my memory and perspective rested - I've found that my search for God is also very much a search for myself. At this moment of infinite possibility - silently immersed in this vast and quiet field, this expansive tabula rasa - it cannot be ignored or overcome. If I proceed, if I compose an image of deity on this metaphysical canvas, the representation will no doubt be an unmistakable reflection of myself. This divine genesis emanates from who I am and what I've seen. So for all my thoughtful, deliberate markings - every subject and shadow, every shade and scope - I draw irrevocably closer to a far less romantic truth than I ever intended.
What a curious discovery process this has become. I set the boundaries, I flesh out the shapes, and I draw out life from the dark, quiet plane before me - essentially fashioning God in my image. How could I ever stumble upon the truth? How could it ever be? In a world of starving artists, how could my meager draft nourish or my palette savor the shades of transcendence?
Or does it truly matter that God is subjectively my own? Are the boundless compositions of all our human fingers more than random chaos, more than the confusion and conflict we exchange in pursuit of what sometimes seems little more than an incoherent phantom? Is my contribution a thread in some cosmic tapestry not yet completed? What would it take to finish it; what would it look like? What secret could bring this amorphous cloud of religious dissonance into focus?
Though secrets and mysteries abound, I press on. And so I take my stand affirming that God will be the process of my own self-discovery. Whether this exploration can ever contribute to a larger whole or uncover unassailable truth is irrelevant. It's relevant to my life, and that's enough. If my discoveries make my life better and are the very best at making me better, their existential purpose will attest to their truth. If I can learn the value of love and seek and practice it for no other purpose than its goodness, then my search will not have been in vain. I did not find God on this journey; instead, I stumbled upon an existential plane that I must order as I choose. So I did not find everything I desired, but I have found enough. Certainly not all I wanted, but all I have.