WAITING WITH EXPECTANCY
Today it dawned on me I've given God an impossible task. Is it divine humor that I, in my self-consuming narcissism, have become single-minded in desiring the very thing that would undo it: love, kenotic, self-emptying love that transcends self-interest, that's not self-referent or self-serving, but pure, true, and outpouring? For all the things a narcissist might want, this seems to be the one thing he can't have. Had I wanted practically anything else, I might've had a successful life - certainly fraught with the conventional challenges life presents, but successful. I would've hidden my shortcomings from myself, since they would've stood in direct and obvious opposition to that success, and pressed on.
But that's not the way it happened. I want to love, for real, so much so I can't bring myself to seriously engage in any other productive activity. When I do, my ego shifts into high gear, making me instantly loathe myself and everything I'm about. So I wait on the Lord - tentatively willing to do things as I'm able, with caution, for the right reasons - and pray there's room for me to fit through the eye of the needle.
After reading Eckhart, it's clear I must focus all my soul's energies on the advent, the birth of Christ, or the Lord’s coming into his temple, inside me. I must do this with intention, not that I can make him come, but that I should not miss him if he does. It's called expectancy, and is both active and passive. I've been entirely passive this year, and it’s been a mistake. It's time to try something new.