AN INNER-CONNECTED OUTLIER?
I've seen a surprisingly dramatic improvement in my mental state this past week. I've been meditating effectively for days, and the results have been profound given how poorly I've felt both mentally and physically for months. I've discovered when I meditate effectively and regularly I see the world more expansively. It's an experience I cannot explain, where I view everything as a single organism and enjoy a sense of interconnection with my surroundings, as well as the wonderful people around me. I feel pulled to want to contribute to that beautiful tapestry and do so without much thought as to what I get in return. Somehow engagement with it is the reward.
Just as quickly, it becomes clear this way of engaging with the world is hard to implement in the modern world. We've come to view reality, and consequently society and economics, in a radically fragmented, individualistic way, and it's hard to not be pulled back into this way of thinking. In fact, it begins to tug away at me the very moment I start to feel capable of reintegrating back into normal life. The moment I start thinking of myself, whether I'll be able to provide for my children, or what domestic life in America means, aka, God's blessed, American plugged-in dream, the larger lens of God's eyes begins to cloud over. I worry about being effective in today's competitive market place, about fulfilling expectations, pleasing people, being accepted as one of them, belonging and what it takes, and on and on... The cares and concerns of life come to dominate my field of awareness, like seed thrown to the weeds.
So what’s the way forward? It's obvious progress will be slow, much slower than I want. I need to come to terms with this. I also need to come to terms once and for all that the past is the past and cannot be changed. I can't continue to punish myself every day. I needed to surrender what I was doing and who I was pretending to be. I also need to assent that whatever works for me is acceptable, even if it's not what others do. I have such a hard time with this. Being a loner, an outlier, an ugly duckling who no longer desires a life aligned with societal expectations is very hard for me, since I’ve always associated isolation with failure. Recognizing that I am regardless, whether I give myself permission to accept it or not, helps some, but it's still very hard.