BLANK SLATE
I had a long conversation with my sister today, during which I shared my current spiritual situation. Rationally, I know God is love, that he knows what's best, and that it's foolish to suggest he's abandoned me or doesn't know what he's doing.
My heart, on the other hand, is having none of it. It simply cannot grasp why things are as they are, why the suffering is unending, why he doesn't provide an open door or even anything resembling a path, and it's screams it can't take anymore, that it's broken to pieces and become so fragile that it simply can't carry on. It doesn't understand how my experience meshes with love, and it would rather die than continue on like this.
My body's stuck in limbo. It can't learn the praxis of anything, because the erratic discourse between my mind and heart do not provide a platform for routine or consistency of any kind. My soul looks on in silence.
So that's where I am. I occasionally tell myself I'm teetering on Atheism again, but I know that's not true. I've experienced too much for that to happen. Still, it remains possible to completely lose faith in God's love and descend into a hopeless, loveless state I might refer to as Hell.
She asked how I came to be in such a faithless place. It's all about my collapse a year ago. After such pain, such comprehensive loss, everything looked so promising a year ago. I found myself in a place where kenosis was a reality for me. It wasn't generalized, but focused on my ex-wife and my children. It might have been limited in application, but it was real. Only it didn't last, and when it came apart I lost them all over again.
I've lost all hope in the wake of this loss and frequently wonder why I continue on. Why build me up only to tear everything down again? Last year was nearly a complete loss, a year-long darkness. So why does God ask me yet again to make another push, when I have neither reason nor desire to anymore? Last year I had a reason, a good reason. My family was an inspiration. But that's gone now. I have no interest in moving forward for personal reasons. Naked self-interest no longer has much effect on me.
My mind turned to all the biblical characters we judge too harshly: Thomas' doubt, Peter's denials, Moses' hesitation, Abraham lying about his wife, the grumbling Hebrews, David and Bathsheeba - the list is virtually endless. I think we sometimes harbor a touch of condescension when addressing their shortcomings, failing to fully recognize how unbelievably hard God can make it sometimes to be faithful to him. I find myself in a place where all the external reasons to act are gone, GONE, and yet he still asks for my continued faithfulness. Why?? I no longer have a reason! To which he seems to say, "Because I asked..." How can a person assent to such a request, when there's nothing left?
My sister said maybe this is final meaning of dying to oneself. I didn't expect her to say that, and I think God put it there. I've asked a terrible thing of God, to live a life of utter dependence on him. I want to follow Jesus when he says he goes, does, and says only according to his Father - to proceed without reason apart from HIS reason. I don't know if a person can submit a larger ask than that, and the cost of such discipleship - if my life is any indication - is absolutely everything. Lose it to find it, just as he says. It seems so black-and-white, but I didn't ask for it to be this way. Maybe he has eliminated all the externals for just that purpose, so this impossible choice is now very linear and simple. Depend on him for everything or be left with nothing. Give all my life to him and get all his life in return. I've been rejecting the very thing I requested, hating the very thing I desired - my love, who I did not recognize.