DISTORTED INTEGRATION
Being a Type 4 on the Enneagram, I’m prone to doing things in fits and starts, in brief bursts of creative inspiration or spontaneous adventure. Consistency isn’t my strength, with perhaps one, rare exception: if there’s a wrong way to do something, rest assured I’ll give it a go. It won’t be a cursory exploration either; no, I’m usually fool enough to plunge its depths and see where it leads. I’m all in.
Most of this year was defined by an impasse. I encountered two related stumbling blocks and was unable to transcend the tension they presented; instead, I settled for rather unhealthy reconciliations of their rather intolerable dichotomies. Specifically, I struggled to reconcile the tension between two relationships:
- Desire and Non-Attachment
- Ego-Surrender and Agency
I’ll define each in turn. I should note that I’ve transcended this tension before and have lived from a place of integration for brief seasons in the past. The question is how does this integration fail and, having failed, why is it so terribly hard to rediscover?
I’ll begin with desire. When I desire something, I will that I should possess it or see it occur. The object can be material or experiential, but whatever form it takes, it’s defined by the pursuit of (or at least interest in) a particular outcome. On the other hand, non-attachment is activity whose meaning is defined by the engagement itself, rather than the byproducts (outcomes) of the engagement. The question is how can I do both? How can I desire to see something happen, while not caring whether it does or not?
Take it to a deeper, more integral level: assume all external outcomes are eliminated from discussion and instead focus exclusively on desiring non-attachment itself. When a person finds themselves in a place where engagement itself is stymied for one reason or another, when they cannot generate the opportunity or find within themselves the will or strength to engage, to connect, to – as Merton says, “join the general dance” – how can the heart remain non-attached? How can it neither engage, nor care?
More on this in a moment, but first to consider the tension between ego-surrender and agency. As numerous past entries have described, surrender and dependence on God has literally been the one, ceaseless prayer I’ve offered for years now. I desire to speak what He speaks, go where He goes, do what He does. Like Paul, I no longer want to be alive; not me, but Christ living in, through, and as me. I’ve expended a great deal of effort trying to discern the difference between His voice and my own. I’ve witnessed layer after layer of falsehood fall away during this transformation process, and I count it a tremendous blessing. Yet my struggle to integrate desire and non-attachment left me wondering whether anything that emerges from me will ever be free of the false self. Will I ever be a clean filter? Can I, as a separate self, an agent, ever truly see my prayer answered? How can I will anything with any degree of confidence that my separate self isn’t its ultimate source or seeking in some way to use it for its advantage, when that very self is the one aware of the experience of willing and doing it?
Now, about that rabbit hole. It’s no secret my experiences have been terribly difficult for a very long time, and I confess it’s taken a toll on my capacity to not over-internalize my circumstances. Rather than healthy non-attachment and ego-surrender, this suffering produced detachment and passivity. And you can forget about desire and agency; they were effectively murdered. I lied to myself, said I didn’t care about outcomes, when the truth is I simply despaired of them ever improving. I didn’t care in the same detached sense that a whipped dog doesn’t care. If I surrendered, it was because life had defeated me.
I’m happy to say this tension resolved itself. I’ve never been one for simple answers, but every question and pitfall I presented above hinges on one thing: inward or outward focus. Integration of this kind simply cannot occur when one is focused on oneself. When that shift occurs, when one moves inward about such matters, it eventually becomes clear that no matter how deep you go it cannot be resolved. The rabbit hole is an abyss of self-reference, spiraling down at deeper and deeper levels. Approaching non-attachment and ego-surrender with the separate self as the object of consideration will always lead to an irreconcilable impasse.
The only way these seeming opposites can reconcile is to focus outward. The capacity to desire without clinging or resisting or to move without angling or assessing is necessarily grounded in kenosis. I must cease to have any personal stake in the goings on of life, a non-possessiveness of experience that frees me to embody a life and a longing that neither begins nor ends with me. This life, this longing, it passes through us, draws us together, hones our awareness of a deep loneliness - an incompleteness that necessitates and gives birth to love – and occasionally lets us touch upon the infinite.
Was the bulk of this year a waste? Absolutely not. I was obviously mistaken and had lost the plot along the way, but there’s always a lesson in such things. Some behavioral patterns die hard and must be unlearned on a cellular level. I’m that much closer now; perhaps Christ will make a disciple of me yet. Also, the intervening period reinforced just how much this path has come to mean to me. I can draw a truth from the capitulation, unfortunate though it was, that only the deepest desire of my heart means anything anymore. In its absence, I’m not truly alive. There’s only one way forward, and I aim to see where it leads. In my customary fashion I’m all in.