ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD
It’s no small irony that less than a month after posing the question hypothetically, a dear Atheist friend of mine asked me what difference God makes. What need would she have for God when she's able to do all the things she does on her own? That's not God, is it? Or is it supposedly God, rather than her? I was immediately reminded of God's answer when I asked that question myself. If there is no separation, what would it mean for God to make a difference? What would it look like, and how would a person ever know?
In my experience, God is the one and only ground upon which a person can realize who they really are. When questioning the need of God, my friend pointed to her actions and justifiably so: she has weathered many challenges throughout her life and yet remains very capable and responsible. On the surface, she has a point; however, probe a little deeper and it becomes clear her inner life and sense of self is reeling and a source of great sorrow. Despite her outward appearance and behavior, inside she's unhappy and convinced life has no meaning and she no purpose. She hides who she truly is, including a shadow that's full of insecurity, doubt, and terrible fears. To bind it all together, she’s convinced she can't change and her experience of life will never improve.
This disconnect is quite common for people. In fact, it may very well be an integral part of the human experience. Most of us expend great time and energy avoiding pain and treating happiness like a possession, only to discover happiness is fleeting and pain unavoidable. We press on anyway, our pursuits inevitably encasing us in walls meant to protect what’s real within us from the pain inherent in being alive. A person can live this way, get by so to speak, but they will lose their soul, never truly know themselves and, thus, never live or love the fullest expression of who they are. They walk as an empty shell, a cutoff branch, a whitewashed tomb, a castle built on sand - all seemingly normal on the outside, perhaps even impressive, but empty, dying, and ready to come crashing down inside.
Perhaps the greatest human misconception is believing we’re simply independent, autonomous agents. We strive to find existential meaning in this autonomous existence, but usually only find cynicism in the end. Independently-minded people are slow and fearful to entertain the notion that who they are at a fundamental level is determined by how they fit into the whole. The ego considers this notion humiliating. It sees it as a subordination, rather than culmination, of the individual.
Despite the ego's resistance, there may come a time (oftentimes through personal crisis) when a person is ready to discover the reality within them. A person quickly discovers the process demands brutal honesty throughout, but especially in the initial stages, as a person looks beyond the false selves they've constructed, to the seemingly weak, fearful, and undeveloped person they're afraid they really are inside. They will come face to face with their shadow, the dark side of their personality. The ego’s first response to the many discomforting disclosures is shame. It can be a crippling shame too, leaving them convinced they're a fraud. This is a major reason why many folks don't even bother. The ego’s accusation of fraud is only true of the ego itself, but the novice so heavily identifies with the ego, they’re unable to differentiate between it and the objective person hidden beneath it.
When the walls of a person's ego first come down, there is only one cure for the ensuing shame: love. I don't care who you are, if you don't experience love deep inside you – affirming that the real you, in all its poverty, is accepted and entirely more than enough – you cannot go any further. Without love at this point, most people will collapse into depression or reconstruct their ego walls in an effort to continue eking out a hollow, but more secure and comfortable, life.
One thing is certain about love: it's impossible to give what we’ve not received. Make no mistake: we aren't sources of love, but conduits. If we haven’t received love, we cannot love - not ourselves and certainly not others. Where does this love come from? Alone, in a moment when I was at my lowest, felt the most worthless, and was utterly incapable of loving myself, I was penetrated by it. I didn't want to accept it, though it was offered without condition (especially because it was offered without condition!), because I was disgusted with myself and how I had brought about the destruction of everything that ever mattered to me. Nevertheless, I slowly surrendered to it and allowed myself to be loved, without caveat. I call the source of this unyielding, unconditional love, God, and in that moment, and innumerable moments since, I surrender to this love and its healing and humility.
From that moment, a transformation began that is seeing the emergence of the real me I shielded from others (and myself) most of my life, the integration of my shadow into my consciousness, and a joy that emerges as a result of living from a more expansive point of view. My life is no longer about me, but about life itself, and the full expression of being myself is in loving others. It has become an inside-out flow, my outward behavior an expression, rather than a contradiction, of my inner world. All of this is undergirded by God's love, coupled with daily contemplation practice that provides God space to work on my unconscious mind at a depth well beyond my reach.
So does God make a difference? To me, God makes all the difference in the world. He reminds me we are loved and are made to share it. He embodies love and helps us step into it. In the end, it's the pursuit of love, rather than happiness, that ultimately makes us happy, whole, and completely who we are.