THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM
There was a brief moment in 2009 when I'd fooled myself into believing I'd successfully ordered my life exactly as I'd have it. It was a Monday. I'd just arrived at work, had hung up my camel-hair overcoat on the office door, was placing my carefully folded scarf and driving gloves on my mahogany file cabinet, and was gazing out the 19th story window upon a landscape that felt like mine for the taking. We were killing the numbers at work, commissions were through the roof, and I felt more empowered than I ever had in my life. The housing market had collapsed and at the bottom I had successfully negotiated the price on a new home for my family down to a quarter of the original one-million dollar asking price.
One week later, I was suffering from the massive psychotic episode I described in an entry from April that year - the one whose wake left me spiritually bereft for several years.
It was for the best, as much of the empowerment rested upon worldly definitions and expectations of success. I had unwittingly applied the abundant life quite materialistically, and was pushing myself to “multiply my talents.” It’s not hard to discern why. It’s easy to gravitate toward material success as growth guide because tangible things are terribly easy to measure. But it’s all smoke and mirrors, the grasping for something solid in a mist that can never offer support.
This morning I experienced something and was reminded of of 2009 like it was yesterday, but this time it's different. The same serenity I experienced that Monday is present, but it's not based upon external trappings; rather, it stems from a realization and acceptance that God has brought me exactly where I need to be.
Having insight that my current employment is acceptable to God has provided a stability that has cascaded outward with unexpected strength. It’s allowed me to open my eyes, mind, and heart to other, more important things in my life, like family and how best to nurture those most important relationships. It's allowed me to step back and appreciate the life and love we already have and enjoy all the free time my job provides for me to express my creative energy.
As for my marriage, my wife and I have come to special understanding regarding the suffering we've endured together. It will take time for healing to work its way through, but we're committed to that and to each other. I liken it to the bonds created between those who've been through war together. We will always be a part of each other.
All in all, I've been overcome with a peace untethered from understanding or reason. I do not pray it continues, but instead for faith regardless of what comes my way. For challenges will continue to beset me, just as they have in the past, and disturb the serenity of even the most perfect moments. But faith strengthens the weary in the midst of such circumstances and carries with it the peace of being held in God's hand.