A MULTI-DIMENSIONAL UNRAVELING
I arose this morning as depressed as I was upon arrival. The weight of what this journey may ultimately cost me is bearing down hard on me. It's clear my fears surround the potential damage my current course may inflict upon my marriage, as well as what it might do to each of us individually.
My wife is clearly not on board with the radical change happening within me. She's scared of losing what we have left, and that’s understandable. She’s teetering on the verge of ultimatums now, which isn’t too surprising given the unambiguous stance she took several years ago. No matter the circumstances or explanations, notions of inner promptings from God just don’t carry any weight with an Atheist.
An argument can be made I should sacrifice these promptings in favor of providing the most robust security I can for my family, but it ignores the fact this is exactly what I’ve been doing for several years now! I’ve been ignoring God’s voice, in flight from Nineveh, and the storm has come in the form of a mental breakdown. This resistance can’t continue, and yet she can’t see that were I to continue denying God’s voice, her deepest fears will come true anyway. When she came for visitation, I could feel the fear emanating from her - a field, like smoke, infiltrating my own field and body.
I’m convinced making the necessary changes will require an extraordinary event or shift from my daily routine. I need something significant to get me over the hump. My life will no doubt return to some semblance of normalcy in the aftermath, but I'm certain I need a catalyst, a leap of faith, a moment-of-no-return event to galvanize my faith and ownership over my own life.