DECONSTRUCTING LAYERS
Something is happening to me...
As I sit here drinking my morning coffee, I've become consciously aware of an...unraveling...going on inside me, as if my identity is being stripped away. I don't know what to make of it. I consider the phenomena breakthroughs, but they're very unsettling. If I had to classify the experience, I'd say the unraveling pertains to blockages or obstacles of growth. For lack of a better term, I'll refer to these obstacles as "ghosts," since they don't seem real - which is really strange, seeing as how up until recently I've equated them with what seemed like a very real identity.
One thing I've noticed is that these ghosts are layered, with the outer layers protecting the increasingly foundational layers they encapsulate. They aren't random either, but interrelated, the outer layers working to protect the weak points of the inner layers. It also appears that dismantling a layer is prerequisite for unraveling the next layer within it. If I had to guess, they're organized in such a manner in an effort to construct a makeshift defense against some ancient, unnamed injury or general incompleteness. Though I do not fully understand it, I'm convinced this protection is based on an invalid hierarchy of beliefs and attitudes that must be completely broken down and replaced. I initially thought this would be quick and easy. How wrong I was. There is deep trauma here and I'm sensing a long progression of apparitions that are keeping me from being who I truly am. One by one, they will fall.
As an example of how these ghosts are related and stacked, I offer up the ghosts of depression, aggression, vengeance, and gender turmoil, with depression being the outermost layer.
The heart of this ghost is the impression that love is weak in the face of an aggressive force. I've written of childhood sexual trauma and it's role in identity formation, and I'm seeing how this has fleshed itself out in my life. On the surface is a current of depression, which is a reaction to internal aggression in the face of a person attempting to force their will on me, which is the expression of a desired vengeance for my confusion about what it means to be a man, which arose from an ancient wound I wasn't strong enough or man enough at the age of seven to stop.
This chain of defenses manifest themselves in two ways. First, I don't want to be shown up. Second, I want that person to pay for their behavior. Both of these mindsets are manifestations of dualistic consciousness. For one with Christ-consciousness, there is no concern over being shown up. There is only the desire to serve and love with non-attachment. This desire does not stem from weakness, but from a deep love for who that person is and who they could become.
A Christ being doesn't want others to pay, but instead to change. Loving them, refusing to engage them in petty physical or verbal duels, offers them the opportunity to change. They can respond positively or negatively. If they respond negatively, I must only hope that the laws of karma are enough to bring them around in time. I believe this is an enlightened middle-way understanding of this issue. Now I must multiply my talents in its application. It must change my beliefs and attitudes by changing who I am, what I think, how I feel, and finally the way I act. May the ghost of aggression unravel before me, consumed by the flame of God.