Unless something changes dramatically, this may be my last entry for a while. I’ve just recovered from a terrifying experience for which there are no words. I researched it online and have discovered no analogues.
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People are like flowers. Just as a flower grows where it is planted, so people grow whence God plants them.
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Despite the recent acknowledgement that I'm not ready to take the next step, I can't shake the impulse that I desperately need to. The concept of multiplying my talents that's part and parcel of this Christ-consciousness approach is etched in my mind and won't cease it's incessant prodding.
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The past ten years have followed a certain progressive ebb and flow. First I was ready to dream, but not ready to awaken. Then ready to awaken, but not understand. Then ready to understand, but accept. And now when I am ready to accept, I am not ready to be.
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The spirituality of inner transformation, realization of the true inner self, and enlightenment or union with God is virtually universal - thus the term Perennial Wisdom (sophia perennis.) Whether it's Christian Mysticism, Sufi Islam, Kabbalah Judaism, Zen Buddhism, or Hindu Yoga, the wisdom paths are strikingly similar.
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For the longest time, I've donned the mask of the Disciple, but I've also worn the mask of the Loner, the Satirist, the Skeptic, the Elitist, the Philanderer, the Benefactor, and the Director, but in truth I am none of these people. They are caricatures, staged marionettes acting out prototypical gestures in keeping with requisite expectations, but they are not me.
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While mulling over non-attachment yet again this morning, I began by noting that it seems perfectly reasonable in the face of negative experiences. I then wondered, on the other hand, am I expected to remain detached from positive experiences as well?, and realized this second part is the crux of my issue.
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My entire life I've needed something to anchor me, to give me some idea of where I stand, and I've had it. As a Christian I was guided by faith, anchored to the church. As an Atheist I relied on logic and empiricism, moored to a scientific and skeptical community. As a New Age seeker though, I have dark, quiet mystery, tethered to an inner voice I don't fully trust.
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I've been at this for two months and am at a most difficult juncture. For some reason, I am gripped by a terrible fear of where this path is leading me. Something doesn't seem right, yet beyond this deep intuition I have no evidence to suggest it's anywhere harmful.
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I confronted an old demon this morning. Despite my promise to bury it, I think the unraveling of my ghosts has somehow uncovered it. I can bury it no deeper. There is no running away from it now. It is inextricably linked to my communion with God, which is utterly intolerable. I must vanquish it once and for all.
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Each day that goes by presents its own challenges, each moment its opportunities. I confront what seems like a morass of issues, baggage, and ghosts, and beat them down with everything I can muster. Still, there's something I'm missing, and I know what it is.
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Something is happening to me...
As I sit here drinking my morning coffee, I've become consciously aware of an...unraveling...going on inside me, as if my identity is being stripped away. I don't know what to make of it. I would classify the phenomena as breakthroughs, but it's all very unsettling.
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We are spiritual beings not unlike Edward, the toy rabbit. We inhabit a garden with God, but feel the need delve into dualistic mindsets and assert our independence. In doing so, we eventually cut our conscious minds off from God, our purpose, and even our true identities.
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I've underestimated the creativity and freedom that lie nested in non-duality, waiting to be born when the time is right. I did not appreciate the asymmetric perspective required of this process, but I confess I love it.
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I've come face-to-face with a duality in my thinking, that of fervor vs. disengagement. I vacillate between trying much too hard to make things happen and sitting idle waiting for progress to materialize out of thin air.
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I had a dream last night. I stood in a Zen garden, holding nine glowing batons. A man approached me and asked to buy them from me. I told him a transaction would not be necessary, that I would simply give them to him. Once he departed, I sat contemplating the exchange and pondered whether I'd made the right choice.
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