INCREMENTAL GROWTH
The past ten years have followed a certain progressive ebb and flow. First I was ready to dream, but not ready to awaken. Then ready to awaken, but not understand. Then ready to understand, but not accept. And now when I am ready to accept, I am not ready to be.
I was ready to take incremental steps along the way, but only one at a time. Then, compromised by fear masked as a measured approach, I would take a half-step back from discouragement or resentment. Despite that, through the passing of time, I would become ready for one more step.
Currently I stand on the threshold of realizing my true self, but what I crave is just too big right now. This doesn't mean I've quit, only that your discipline can take considerable time to sink in. Striving to move forward at this point would feel forced, and pressing too hard leads to self-deception and potentially another fake persona. There's no sense in pinning my hopes on a lie. Better to be patient and not forge ahead foolishly.
God's grace is an irresistible current moving me along its course at his own pace, through the darkness, regardless of what I choose to do or how I choose to perceive it. The current is always there, carrying me along. I am called to recognize and accept the stream that guides me. Some nights the moon is out, and if I'm paying attention I can get a sense of my surroundings and make some sense of where I'm going.
God's faith is a fountain oasis in a dry, dry desert, always appearing when I truly need it. No matter how many times I venture out in my travels, I do so with the knowledge that I do not have within me the sustenance to traverse the parched land before me. I do not have the power to take the next step forward on my own. Yet, by some miracle I set out anyway.
Time passes differently in the mind, but after days upon days of fruitless wandering, when I feel I'm approaching that moment of utter collapse - at my last gasp, nearing my last spiritual breath, with no guarantee another will come - somehow it does. And it is not my breath.
As difficult as this journey can be, there will come a time when I stand upon the threshold of a land of milk and honey. When that moment comes, will I have enough remaining strength to see it through? Only you know. All I can do is be anointed by your grace and faith, that whether I make it or not you will never leave me.