IN SEARCH OF MOORINGS
It's plain to see I stalled out some time in late August. Despite the reassurance from the one calling himself Christ (who I feel I should trust after he's been so helpful,) the truth is I never overcame my fears. I'm still struggling to sift through the pieces, and I don't know where this leaves me spiritually. I've lost touch with most of my emotions and oftentimes feel disembodied. It seems to me that healthy detachment is intentional, so this is something else. On the rare occasion an emotions flare up, I take a measure of comfort from my internal response. Perhaps I do so because, positive or negative, they remind me I'm still grounded to this world in some way.
The past couple months haven't been entirely fruitless. Honesty led me to several realizations in October:
- When it comes to transformation, there are some things I'd like to change and others I'd like to preserve, but I'm not capable of cherry picking between the wheat and chaff. This conflicts with the notion of consciously constructing an immaculate vision of who I am in Christ, so something has to give. Either these things are mutually exclusive, or I am approaching the execution incorrectly.
- Everything in my life is dependent upon where I stand spiritually. My entire life I've needed something to anchor me, to give me some idea of where I stand, and I've had it. As a Christian I was guided by faith, anchored to the church. As an Atheist I relied on logic and empiricism, moored to a scientific and skeptical community. As a New Age seeker though, I have dark, quiet mystery, tethered to an inner voice I don't fully trust. I have no idea how to address this impasse, but I am frequently overcome by confusion or fear.
- In the throes of this fear, there I one anchor point that serves as solid ground for me: Panentheism. I do not think my experience in the park three years ago will ever dampen or leave me. I am drawn like moth to flame, drawn and seduced by The One into deeper levels of union. I can't deny who I am or what I believe, nor can I help it. I am a mystic and always have been.
- I may have my doubts about the path I'm currently on, but it's clear I have no choice but to continue forward and see where it leads. It's time to step into my destiny. It is time to choose, lest it be chosen for me. As the Living Christ says, it's time to multiply the talents he's entrusted to my care. Fail to do so, and even what I had before will be taken from me. I can't afford to be afraid, for there is no way back now. The only way is forward.