BREAKING THROUGH
This morning I did not rise well from bed. I awoke still ruminating over something I'd read the night before:
I am not the Doer. God is the Doer. I can do nothing on my own.
I read it, said it aloud, wanted to embrace the thought, but I couldn't. Upon first reading it I could sense the conflict in my spirit, but I put it out of my mind. It hadn't stayed hidden long.
On the way into work this morning I considered it again and still couldn't put it to bed. All day I contemplated why I bristled so much at the thought, why my ego insisted upon overtaking me. On the way home today from work, God spoke to me - not in the Abrahamic sense (he didn't join me for supper,) but internally, in my voice but with words that were distinctly not my own.
Do I sense doubt in you?
Yes. (I had to admit it. What else was there to do but confess?)
Why do you doubt?
Because I'm on this road and take comfort in the fact I'm not alone. Yet I'm resentful for it too...
You are not alone, and you wonder what drives you forward - Me or yourself.
Yes! I've wrestled with that for years. I've spent countless hours hammering against that impenetrable wall, shouting my impotent, nagging questions into seeming ether, 'Is it You or is it me? You, or me,' and you provide no answer! As a Christian it was always You - So much so that I was spiritually wretched. When I was an Atheist, it was me - so much so that it corroded my inner being. SO WHICH ONE IS IT???
Neither.
[I sat in the depth of that word, in a deep silence, as a clarity I couldn't understand, yet felt in my very bones, washed over me.]
You ask whether it's you or me, yet the question has no answer. "You" and "Me" are dichotomies of the dualistic mind and contain no truth. The question you pose assumes a separation that does not exist. It is too much for you now, but when you fully understand, you will realize there is no difference. That is why I've not answered you for so long. The question itself has no meaning.
I wept at his words - not bitterly, but from inexpressible relief. Perhaps that is why I also laughed at the same time. I've underestimated the creativity and freedom that lie nested in non-duality, waiting to be born when the time is right. I did not appreciate the asymmetric perspective required of this process, but I confess I love it. In taking a step toward recognizing myself as I truly am, for the first time I can genuinely see beyond the separation and own the fact that The One who empowers me does so in me and as me. There is no distinction.