AN INSATIABLE MAW
I may have finally stumbled upon the reason I’m incapable of building confidence…
I'm always pressing to charge up the next hill, always anxious to pursue the next accomplishment on the horizon. The drive to do this is so severe that whatever came before it is null and void. No matter what chain of success I'm able to build, it makes no difference in my self-image. I cannot linger to enjoy the fruits of my labor because I'm already laboring on whatever else is put in front of me. The question is: why?
I used to preach about the central role of love, and have written often of it, but I've lived a life with little expression of it. I've often pondered how I'm supposed to embody love when interpersonal relationships are so difficult for me to forge. I faced this issue acutely in in adolescence and young adulthood, where I was routinely harassed, bullied, or marginalized. Due to love's centrality in my vision of life, these experiences did tremendous damage to my psyche and scarred me deeply.
What I realized when I started working was that I was valued when people valued what I could provide. I might not have a dynamic personality, but I did exceptional work and provided my bosses and associates with the means to improve all aspects of their business. So long as I was able to do this, they wanted me around and tolerated my company.
Somewhere along the way, I think I developed an unconscious routine of churning out top-notch work for anything and everything anyone would throw my way, in an attempt to win their respect, good graces, and friendly affections. In doing so, I missed an important point: all my work was doing nothing to fill the hole in my heart. The hole is an abyss, and no matter how much dirt I throw in it, it never fills up. I could scramble to keep the gravy train of useful ambition chugging at full steam the rest of my life, and it would make no difference.
I'm now in a position to renew an old question: what is a person who is not liked or loved by many to do to make their life worthwhile? First of all, I need to slow down and appreciate all the great things I'm capable of doing and take more satisfaction in my accomplishments. Second, I need to be honest with myself about my abilities and limitations and accept myself as I am. Those two are relatively easy, or at least they would be if not for the third (which tends to derail them.) Lastly, I must come to grips with what others think of me and figure out a way to keep my self-image from swirling in the toilet on account of individuals who do not like or care to know me. How do I do that? It's a vital question I must answer but which, to this point, has eluded me.