INCOHERENCE
My March 20th entry has taken a severe toll on me, as the questions I raised have obviously hit a nerve and have sent ripple effects cascading outward upon my psyche. My thoughts are scattered, incoherent. To make matters worse, I'm spiraling downward - further discontented by my own discontent. What did I have to gain from my curiosity? Why plunge in the shadows expecting to encounter the light? I'm merely Newtonian, an anachronism in this brave, new world. Where is the cobbler, that I might be fitted with shoes? For I cannot carry this burden unshod as I am. Eat me Lion, so I may glimpse you from inside. Consume me Fire, that I might touch you as I die.
Whatever the outcome, wherever it leads, and no matter the loss, it's to my shame. God slips through the hands like water. He's beyond reproach, and apparently above aiding me. When I stumble, the mark is upon me, and when faithful, upon God. What does this say about me? At best I am an albatross set upon his stern, and if so encumbering, what is my nature or purpose? A man of God is a charlatan at masquerade, and apart from God exposed as a fraud. No coat of divine blood can change the fact I'm human. Infusing me with the Holy Spirit may result in righteousness, but it does not for one second change what I am: the desecrated remains of a once radiant dream.
Why, then, do I exist, when God observes that every thought of man's is evil, even from birth. Am I cursed to spread the misery of my evil nature to others I'd like to love, if I were but capable? To drown in the misery my life has begotten, only to then waste away in the fiery lakes of the damned? If I'm nothing more than an embodiment of evil, what sort of God am I striving to know? How could I ever hope to know or love him? When dealing with my iniquity, why should any deference be paid me if I am reluctantly human, as opposed to brazenly human?
All this leaves me with the impression that life is a waste, that being human is, by definition, a tragic waste. Tune in next week, for I have up my sleeve another engrossing offering to share in my continuing quest for an unknown God . . .