HAP
What has become of me? On my own time, in the stillness of solitude, I fool myself. I hold at bay a growing awareness that I may no longer be a Christian. When I sit at chapel, observing prayers being offered, hymns sung, and homilies delivered, I'm aware I do so as an outside observer. It chills me to the bone, horrifies me, because there's no escaping the realization that my faith is gone.
My emotional landscape is a mixture of revulsion and sorrow. The vocalization of Christian faith, something I've held most dearly for so long, repels me now, and I lament that deeply. It's taken exactly three services for me to realize there's no going back. After the first one I went home and cried. After the second I sat motionless for who knows how long as the pews slowly emptied. I didn't make it through the third.