RUMINATIONS
Even now on the rare occasion that I overhear Christians speak of God's grace or read about it in print, it's regularly coupled with admonitions about how evil, sinful, and undeserving we are. Sometimes I think Christians speak this way with such frequency as a means of suppressing the natural human response to take pride in one's accomplishments. Well, regardless of the reason, I bought into it big-time while I was a Christian, and it totally cut my legs out from under me. I am glad that chapter of my life is closed. I don't miss it. Leaving Christianity was like waking up from a nightmare. How could something that helps so many people undermine me so completely?
Such observations invariably lead me to consider whether I left the faith for emotional rather than intellectual reasons. In truth, it was both. No matter what you believe about religion, or what some of my fellow Atheists would indicate, it's always both. Perhaps I've not explored this deeply enough, but I confess the schism cut me deeply. I cannot help feeling betrayed. Why is that? Though I do not believe in religion anymore, I'm comfortable recognizing I used to. I honestly don't believe in Hell. A part of me wonders if I ever did, if perhaps the struggles I faced as a Christian finally became a sort of catalyst that forced me to confront an ugliness I was previously too fearful to face.
The truth is that it is what it is. I believe what I believe. I'm healthier and happier. And now, after nearly five years of existential independence, I'm looking at life in a whole new light. I've changed, and perhaps that change was necessary for my spiritual journey to ultimately succeed. I don't know for certain that it will, but I do know how much closer I am now than before. And that is something.