THE PRECARIOUS NATURE OF BELIEF
I've been questioned on this numerous times by folks, so I want to make this absolutely clear. When I lost my faith, it wasn't a decision. It was categorically different from any decision I've ever made. It was as if something about the world, rather than myself, had forever changed. The only choice left was whether to accept it or not.
I chose to deny this shift for almost a year, but did so less and less successfully with the passing of time. It was destroying me inside because denying disbelief is not the same as believing. When I first recognized this, it was a bitter pill. I was like a husband whose wife had up and vanished on her way home from work. I couldn't grieve because I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that she was gone. But she never came back, and the day came when I had to move on.