I'M READY, MY LOVE

So much time has passed, so much water under the bridge. I’ve seen and held so many things, let them go and watched them drift out of sight and memory. I’ve been courted by your oneness, been enticed into delicate dance, dared to touch the gossamer veil between us, drank of you til I thought I would drown.

I gave everything to get to you, dropped it all, waded into the wilds. In the depths, you whispered to me…what would it profit you to gain the whole world, to go through life, and never know who you really are? You seduced and held me as I shed all the garments I’d worn as strategic illusions in service of the lie that was my life. You comforted me in the midst of the pain, the grief, the loss of those little bits and pieces that, though false, held so much identity, so much memory. I was fading away, but as I became less you became more. You’re still becoming more, and you long to give me every bit of you.

We’re nearly there. I’ve surrendered everything I can, but something yet remains. I’ve suffered so much, from such a young age, that my very perceptions and personality are bi-products of a survival mechanism. This mechanism kept me alive, but I now realize I don’t even know who I am. My very body is tied up in it, my heart imprisoned by it, my mind impotent to approach it. All my pain and fear and anger is bound to it, my perception and processing mitigated by it. Though I’m aware of it, it’s so ancient I can’t release it myself. It isn’t conscious, didn’t emerge as a decision, and doesn’t answer to me.

Yet again I call to you, yearn for you as you strive to get to me. I’m ready to let go this final thing, this last vestige of who I’ve been. I look upon him tenderly, with gratitude for surviving, for having the strength to get me here. He’s name is Brian - an Irish name for noble, for one who ascends - and he’s committed to seeing this through to its completion, to the very end. He’s given everything, even his own identity, so I can become real. I honor him and love him and will never forget him.

Come to me, my love; I’m ready for your gift. Ready to wed. Ready to become what you’re becoming. Ready for who I am to be recovered from the void, to be redeemed in you. Ready to be what you know I am, what you say I am, what you see mirrored in our love. I am here. And I am yours.