SUFFERING'S HIDDEN BLESSING
The past year has been a time of what I'd like to consider significant transformation in my life. Several weeks back, God provided an opportunity for me to embody that transformation in the life of another, to be a light to them. From the way we met, to the way our personalities and life circumstances aligned, it was obvious God had led us together. My personal suffering and all the valuable lessons I'd learned from them spoke directly to her current struggles. It was obviously synchronistic, and…I completely blew it. Not only did I fail to bless her, I descended into an ill-advised emotional entanglement with her. So, through various means, God clearly indicated it was time for me to abandon my efforts.
I did so, begrudgingly, and despaired of the failure. Chalk it up as one more failure in an endless stream of them in recent years. After spending much of the past year alone, God provided me a golden opportunity. I ultimately wrecked it, so he withdrew it. I've lost my family, can’t find work, can’t even help the people God hand-picked for me to connect with. I’m mired in perpetual impotence, when I used to be capable and worthwhile.
In response to my complaint, my daily scripture meditation read:
I was vividly reminded of Job, who has become a dear friend of mine, and discovered I did not bristle as much at this message as I would have in the past. As the despair lifted and I lay before God, something changed. I spoke to God, saying:
You are set against me, intent to torment me until there is nothing left. For reasons I cannot understand, you’d have me suffer, be consumed with anguish. No matter how I try to escape, you wall me in. I say now, I am okay with that. I accept your anguish. I resolve myself to it, even unto death. If that is what you will of me, that I suffer endlessly, I submit to it, to you, to whatever end you have in mind.
It didn’t take long for him to answer, having completely surrendered to him. He showed me that my continued attempts to direct my life were in directly conflict with my promise to lay everything at his feet. My addiction to achieving outcomes I either desire or think I should desire, is a residual covetousness that will not serve the journey. I'd asked that he be the driver of my life, and he is faithfully honoring that prayer. I'm simply called to be me, come what may, and let the cards fall as he wishes. Only when I'm free, finally and completely out of the way, will I be an instrument he can use.
He recast this anguish as a blessing, because through it, and it alone, can trust and obedience be forged. It’s a necessary part of finding oneself in Christ. Until then, it’s just words – affirmations uttered in comfort with no basis in reality. This isn't to say a person should actively seek such troubles. There’s no such thing as suffering for the sake of suffering. The process of surrendering to God will naturally lead to it, in a way God decides, in a manner in keeping with his will and his knowing exactly what a person needs. Additionally, and make no mistake: despair isn't helpful at all. It’s the opposite of submission to or acceptance of God’s discipline - nothing but the ego languishing in self-pity over a life it has less and less control over, but desperately wants to rule.