CONFLUENCE
I read something today about the Patristic period that amazed and disturbed me. Some church fathers from Alexandria believed that Jesus and Christ, human and divine, had synthesized in resurrection (miaphysitism,) creating something new that wasn't reducible to its parts: an archetype, a symbol, a new reality of interwoven matter and spirit. This position was officially declared heretical in 451 AD, at the Council of Chalcedon. Why? Why was such a beautiful image of divine union snuffed out?
I believe we’re predisposed to losing the best of all good news because it's so terribly hard to understand and even harder to accept. To think we’re called to follow Jesus into this unitive mystery, to effectively become one with God and thus a unique embodiment of the same divine synthesis Jesus modeled, is challenging on so many levels it's impossible to innumerate in a single sitting.
Despite the treacherous landscape one is called to traverse along the way to this unity, I chose to embark on this journey many years ago. I was in the unenviable position of having very little to lose and an undying thirst for a way forward. Canned religion and simple answers that no longer worked for me had run their course in my life and led to several years of Atheism, but God invited me into a dance - something ancient, yet entirely new to me, and I hesitantly followed.
I found myself gripped with fear at different points along the way, as the vanishing point of this path seemed to lie in a place where the distinction between God and myself completely disappeared. It seemed blasphemous, impossible, even nonsensical, but I was reminded of it often enough for it to gain a larger, and more comfortable, foothold in my soul. Through hundreds of quiet moments, the distinction just seemed more and more eroded over time.
For a while, I spoke with him regularly. We had conversations, like a father and son, and he led me forward - answered my questions, endured my anger, frustration, even hate, dried my tears or even cried with me, and loved me when I could but loathe myself. While it was clear a relationship was being forged, one suggestive of communion, it was clear the two voices, his and mine, were still distinct, separate, and indicative of two, rather than one.
Then the silence came. As God became more, he became less. The still, small voice became smaller, until it faded away, but it left something ineffable in its wake: a synthesis, one voice, the voice of my true self in God. One might ask how this could be. One might wonder how I know my voice is God’s voice, rather than my own.
The answer is quite simple in the end. My separate, egoic self still exists, despite this awareness, and it still has a strong hold on my mind. When I find myself striving for my own benefit, even if it's striving to be good or loving, I know my ego is in play. Whenever I desire things to be different from how they are or to do anything but simply receive God's reality as it is and respond to it with love, the egoic self is in charge.
This isn't to say that walking as my true self is a study in stillness. Externally, I still behave, I still move, I am still seen doing things. It's the inside that's different. When I operate out of my true self, I no longer move for myself, for this larger self is connected to, and a part of, everything. When it moves, it does so from a larger, expansive place that does not start or end with me. From the bedrock, a spring streams forth that no longer takes my personal welfare into account, but only the movements of my Father, my savior, my friend.
It also isn’t to say I operate from this place all or even much of the time. It’s taken a long time to become aware of this state and just as long to stand in it for even a moment. There’s still a long way to go before I can embody it as a sustained modality of living.
Despite the concerted effort to limit it, mature Christianity inevitably creates mystics by its very nature. Yes, it's been regarded as dangerous - partially because the path is treacherous and partially because up to now there haven't been many wise guides to help novices such as myself along the way. Access to our faith’s wisdom tradition, wisdom that would serve the journey, has been limited, and that's a shame. It appears this is in the process of changing now, and I believe it will bless us all. In the end, even that is up to God, in whom I place my life, my hands, my heart, and my destiny.