NO ESCAPE
The freak show continues. The past four days have far more eventful than my sleep-laden days and nights would suggest.
On Friday, I managed to complete three hours of work at the house before I just signed off without warning and went to bed. I awoke on Saturday just long enough to attend my son’s soccer game and write an abhorrent journal entry to God - full of such vulgarity, curses, and blasphemy I should just delete it. Then it was off to bed again in the early afternoon.
Sunday followed, with a literal sprint around DFW that left me amazed I was not arrested. When I returned home, my wife had rallied the troops so to speak. Once she had friends pick up the children for the day, a cascade of calls and emails of support ensued that were frankly shocking. I wrote another entry so full of malice that upon subsequent reading left me frightened that I had written it. My dad came over, and we spoke for a long time. He was respectful and caring, and he did calm me down. After he left, I went to bed yet again to sleep off another wasted day.
On Monday I forced myself into work and whiled away the hours. I took a walk at 1:00, just to get away for a while. On my way back from the track in the opposing building, God decided to hit me with a parting shot. He finally revealed why I'm here, what my specific task is for this lifetime: I must learn to love other people.
I couldn't have imagined worse timing to hear this. The idea seems so impossibly far away, immersed in this season of hate. And yet, I should have known it all along. All my life, all I've ever wanted was for people to love each other. When I lost my faith, I was pursuing a relationship with God based purely on love and devoid of fear. I concluded that Hell was not commensurate with love, and so left Christianity. Despite this, I still tried to develop that relationship before deciding I couldn't.
When I look back on all my relationships through the years, I realize I've always loved with a selfish love. The only exception to this is when people experience genuine suffering. In cases like that, my heart does go out to them and my hands offer help with no thought to my own benefit. Besides that, it's all self-serving. Try as I may, though I've made it the number one emphasis of my life, I just seem incapable of love. Why? For this I have no answer.
Friday through Sunday I slept to escape the fact that God does not seem to have a calling for me. Yesterday I slept to escape that calling, for I have no hope of accomplishing it. Today, I'm just at a loss...