THE SPECTRE OF SURRENDER
On Saturday, I read Rob Bell's, Love Wins, in one sitting, hoping he'd have an explanation for Jesus I could believe. First of all, I think he’s very courageous for writing this book. His reframing of Heaven and Hell were impressive, primarily because he presented groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting concepts while clearly undergirding them with scripture.
When it came to Jesus though, I was disappointed. On some level decoupling him from salvation still leaves a muddled idea of his role in my life. I had a couple conversations that yielded little fruit, which led me seeking answers in a rather unexpected place: my home. I spoke with my wife at length, one of the least spiritual people I've ever known, and it proved to be one of the most spiritual conversations I've had in a long time.
We spoke of Jesus and of what his death and resurrection represent (totally apart from the salvation dogma of the church.) It represents death and rebirth, of one giving himself completely to God and losing himself even if it means voluntarily laying down his own life, only to be reborn as something new and greater than before. It's more Jesus as example, rather than savior, and it made sense to me. She remarked that what I'm going through right now is different from the past. It truly is like I'm dying. She looked at me and said, "Let it happen. It doesn't matter what you lose, let the old you die."
The good news is that dying to myself is not the end, it just feels that way. I have a Father who is faithful and will not let me fall. Jesus' message of losing one's wife, husband, parents, children - all the things most treasured in life – how does a person do this for real? How can the attachments our ego’s cling to, the anchors upon which our profound co-dependency moors itself, ever truly be released? It is a REAL surrender in the mind, in the soul, and how unutterably terrible it is to face. I must trust that in letting go, I will find myself and God will return to me everything and more.
So I prayed to God last night for grace and offered everything up to him, at least to the extent my mortal heart can conceive or understand. Nothing of note occurred, just my lying in the darkness of my temporary bedroom - wondering again if I'm holding something back and how I'll ever let it go if I don't even know what it is...