STORMY SEAS
Am I Jonah? For years now, God has incessantly prodded me to close this chapter in my life and leave financial services behind. It started in a period of relative calm and security, and when he spoke I listened. "Okay, I'm ready to leave. Where shall I go instead?" I would reply, but there was no answer. I would attempt to wait out the silence, would fall back into my comfortable routine, would get back to normal when I'd hear from him again. "It's time to leave," he would say again and again, but would provide no guidance whatsoever beyond that. Again and again, I would ignore him.
The storms began and continue even now. Everything in my life is being battered - everything I've worked for, everything I've valued, everything I've thought I was - and I can't take much more. I had no idea what I'd bargained for when I set off on this journey. I had no idea the transformation would prove so disruptive or the overhaul so comprehensive. And it isn't over. I get the sense it's not even close...
Even now I cry out to God what I must do with my life. I can't walk away without having some idea of where to go next. A few weeks ago, after years of asking, he finally answered: "Love your family." It seemed like the answer to a different question. Week after week of asking has yielded the same response: "Love your family." Is that what I am to do, how I am to make a living or provide for them? I have neither the faith nor patience to play these games. I wish I did, that I could just jump off the goddamned cliff into what looks like utter foolishness and ruin.
I'd like to say I'm capable of meeting God where he is, that I can accept he knows what I need and how I'll arrive at the next step on the journey, but I'd be lying. I don't have that in me; nor do I have a support system at home to foster such a leap of faith. Quite the opposite. Were I to step out like this, with no plan, I fear I would lose absolutely everything - including the family God has instructed me to love.
On the other hand, I have this suspicion that if I continue to ignore God's promptings the storm will only continue to worsen. No matter what I do, I may lose everything in the end - lost and alone in the belly of the beast...