ON GOD'S TERMS
I'm presently experiencing a divergence from what's come before, as the time for easy answers and clearly-marked features along the path recedes from view. Perhaps the time for clarity will come again, but it's clearly not the season. Were I to guess, God is leading me to places where my soul has been scarred and, while painful, appears resolved to mend them.
The first time I caught wind of this development, I went through a period where God stripped all the coping mechanisms I've used to mask my insecurities of their effectiveness, leaving me feeling quite exposed. In that season, God's presence was strong, his peace persistent, and I navigated through it according to the grace he imparted to me. The second phase, whose purpose has proved most elusive, came on in the same way; however, God's presence was distinctly absent. My reaction to this absence was most unfortunate. Why I was forced to endure the absence, I still cannot say, but I know it had purpose.
Despite my appeals to God, he never broke silence. These past few months, I've come to recognize how vital God's presence has become to my happiness. Without him, everything seems empty. And it was empty. So, like King Saul I unwittingly parted ways with him - pursuing my own goals in His name, but entirely on my own. I strove to reconnect with him and revive the sense of presence I desperately desired. For in the absence of his presence, fear crept into my heart.
I suppose it's not that surprising. Last September still lingers in my mind. I sometimes sit awake at night distressed I might not escape were last September to reoccur, and I don't want to be left alone. With this fear in mind, I inquire of my Father what I can do to bridge the gap. I ponder where I go wrong, argue how I don't deserve to be abandoned, question why it lasts so long, and the cracks in my faith slowly expand. Once large enough, the darkness wedges itself inside and asserts itself upon me. Then the negative voices begin to resonate, the frustration begins to emerge, the anger froths, and the fear intensifies. I feel the downward spiral working on me, am acutely aware of it, but cannot stop it.
Or can I? Perhaps this domino effect is based on a row of tiles that need not be stacked in the first place.
First, fighting to maintain an experience of God's presence is based on a major gap in my understanding. This isn't a hunt or conquest. The nearness is received, not taken. In attempting to track it down or trap it, I began walking alone with nothing but the shadow to keep me company.
Two, why am I so afraid? As difficult as last September was, it's one more step on my journey - a journey overseen by God. It was no accident it occurred, but served to catalyze a deeper awakening in me that needed to occur. I was not awakened only to be cast back into that same darkness.
Third, the attempt to reconnect with God was wrong-headed and should have been obvious, because it escalated into a constant obsession that distracted me from everything else. I was too preoccupied to love my family, take my work seriously, or interact with friends.
So what can I cake away from this experience? First and foremost there's nothing more important than meeting God wherever he's working and placing myself in alignment with him. At that point, I am walking with him and the darkness has no place in me. That devotion even means resisting the urge to experience God's constant presence, when it's not the time for such communion. In such cases, the pursuit of something that would otherwise be a very good thing actually serves to unwittingly put me at odds with God.
Second, something important is at play at this juncture in my life. God is healing my soul, and one component of this healing process apparently involves me becoming fully aware of the brokenness inside me. The resulting pain is terrible and can result in questions and confusion. Some believe God works only for our happiness, that he would not do anything to cause us pain. In fact some people very close to me hold this view. While this view does serve to simplify how a person perceives God's role in their lives and on the surface would seem to aid in the interpretation of external and internal events and environments, I do not believe it rings of authenticity.
Obviously it complicates things when a person considers the possibility God might lead them into situations that will be difficult, challenging, or downright awful, but in a world where darkness exists and some of that darkness exists within us, confronting and bringing light to that darkness is a task we must face. I would never suggest God himself is the direct cause of any suffering, but I believe without reservation he may subject us to situations where we may face suffering if the experience is in our best interest. So what am I to make of the situations I find myself in now?
I know of no reference manual I can Google to determine what God is up to. The truth is each person's life experiences, genetics, and personality are different, each person's walk with God is particular, and the only way to know what God is up to is to join him where he is working and listen. And even then a person may not hear or understand the answer. It may be mysterious; it may be slow in coming. In such moments, trust takes on paramount importance. There's simply no substitute for faith in these dark, lonely places.
In these moments, it's vital to release our circumstances, our lives, our very selves to God and know that wherever, whenever, and however he acts he will act for our good because he loves us. We love him because he has loved us, because has shown us what love is and extended it to us when we would not even love ourselves. This love never falters; the north star is ever-present. Though storm clouds may obscure it and raging seas bombard us, it remains.