THE CURE
I just finished The Cure, an insightful book describing how our punitive view of God is a projection of our shame, relative to the standards we, ourselves, have made. It's full of exquisite descriptions of how our inner demons effectively torment us and how sin management is a farce.
My whole adult life I have been pursuing change, trying to change into my "ideal" self. My foray into New Age spirituality was just such an attempt to define and become whoever I thought I wanted to be. But that's the lie. There's nothing to change. God has already shaped me in my core. My deepest desires: what I want out of life, what I want for others, and what I want for myself have already been transformed.
With that being the case, the point is not to sin less, but to love more. This is crucial, for I've struggled to accept God's love in light of my shadow self. For the longest time, I've wondered why we as humans seem so defective - in that we can never live up to our best intentions. What we witness on Earth today is the culmination of all we humans can accomplish living apart from God. It's not an complete mess, but there's room for improvement!
We live as one with God, yet are oblivious to this. Despite our best efforts, we can never completely conceal this truth beneath the shell of our false selves. We see this tension illustrated equally in the great triumphs of science, art, and industry and the tragedies of violence, greed, and indifference. Realizing I'm hardwired to mature into the man God created me to be is a revelation to me. That he's walking this journey with me, in me, and as me calls me to remember who I am, where I came from, and where I am going.
I've spent far too many years believing God is disappointed with me, when in reality I'm just disappointed with myself. Try as I may, I cannot change myself with more focused intention or force of will. I cannot self-actualize by means of egoic effort. I mature according to divine grace, according to its timetable. I'm only now beginning to appreciate that I wasn't ready to understand or proceed with this awareness until now. Everything I've been through has led me to this moment.