TRUE LOVE
As far back as I can remember, I’ve fought to conceal a dark, horrible truth from myself. Since I was a young child, love has always been of preeminent importance to me; however, it has never manifested properly at the cognitive or behavioral levels. I’ve only recently made this connection on the conscious level and begun to unpack the reasons and the wake of ramifications resulting from this disconnect.
Tragically, all my efforts to love others up this point in my life have been a veiled and unconscious ploy to receive it from others. It is humiliating to contemplate it, to reflect upon how pervasively this self-seeking game has stripped love of its meaning and fostered an environment of utilitarian reciprocity. For this I am deeply ashamed. On some level, I’ve always been aware of this dark secret, watched it flitting about through the years in the guise of cognitive dissonance. It troubles me I’ve not been able to embody the one principle of life I hold most dear. I’m a matchstick on an ocean floor, hopelessly incapable of fulfilling my one purpose.
But as I sit here, as I live and breathe, God is showing me why. I’ve been incapable of authentic love because I never really valued people and was desperately afraid of them. I didn’t properly value others because I didn’t value myself, and due to childhood abuse and bullying grew to fear people’s seemingly unlimited capacity to wound each other. Consequently, my entire life has been one, long, futile endeavor to validate my own value and justify my existence. I have fought so hard for that, for a reason to believe I'm worthy of being loved, that the entirety of my cognitive-behavioral matrix has been reduced to hollow survival mechanisms. Not only that, but what I fought to justify was itself a lie – a false persona, incapable of self-acceptance or love. Being incapable of receiving love, I’ve not been able to express it either.
And like waking from sleep, my eyes are opening and coming into focus. As I come into greater awareness of my True Self, the need to advocate myself lessens. As I become more myself, I become less about myself, and I find myself caring less about what happens to me (whether I get my way, whether I’m right, whether I’m appreciated, whether I’m liked, whether I matter, etc.) Life isn't about me, not in isolation. It's a story about us all, in which I play a part. As this gestalt takes hold, God encourages me that love will begin to express itself in me and grow in strength over time. I've waited my whole life for this, for a chance to fulfill my reason for being, and am overcome with inexpressible gratitude.